Boobah!!!

I’m still looking for a computer program that gives a pleasant visual and/or audio response for most any keyboard input. I haven’t found it. But child 1.0 still loves the computer. She started with iTunes. She likes to stare at the iTunes visualizer and hit keys while I try to keep her from messing anything up too badly. Now I’ve found the zone. It’s a bunch of really easy flash games that all use the mouse. She loves it. Some of the games are still too hard for her. But she’ll get there. Other people with kids might want to give it a look.

It's based on a show I've never seen. It sounds great.

Still roses

Now that the job is official it’s been announced that I’m leaving and I’m starting to see where I was the most useful at work. Everyone’s been congratulatory but I get the most kick out of the people who ask; “Who’s going to <> when you’re gone?” I’m going to spend a lot of time over the next few weeks making sure there’s an answer to those questions.

Apartment hunting is going pretty well. For a short term lease it looks like 700$/mo will get us an apartment that meets our needs. But for another hundred a month we can rent a house. We’ll probably go with the house since that’ll put us right were we want to buy anyway. We’ll keep kicking it around for a week and then grab a place for march 1^st. This weekend is all about getting the house ready to sell. I’ve got a list, a schedule and plenty of people coming out to help. Should be a productive weekend.

Mat Perry just did a great kyle impression.

I have occasionally noticed that when Mathew Perry is trying to be funny/serious he and kyle have the same delivery. The line in question is “Simon is gonna kick his ass slow.” All the emphasis is on the word slow. If you ever saw him do chandler act serious than you can picture it. Anyway, just felt like sharing.

Hell in the Cell

Saturday night Katie and I bought tickets to a mixed martial-arts cage fight at Perani Arena. If you ever see an event like this advertised I would highly recommend attending. I have never seen so many alpha male douche-bags in one place in my life. The crowd was buzzcuts and cut-off T-shirts as far as the eye could see. We had a great time none the less.
It was so crowded they ran out of beer before the first fight even started. (I spent 45 minutes in line and purchased 12 beers because I knew it would happen.) Five of the fifteen fights went all three rounds and had to be called on decsion. And there was three separate fights in the crowd. These guys were all local amature martial-artists, so a few of the fights were pretty lame. But the matches that went all three rounds more than made up for it.
Next time Perani advertises something like this I will let you guys know.

I ignore speed limit signs anyway

... but according to this, I have an excuse.

Also, I got a Wii on Saturday. It's like having a second kid - a wonderful kid that requires no food (except a little bit of electricity) and provides hours of entertainment.

Why is this called news?

I've known about this I was in high school. Why is it called news?

cohort is in the news again

I didn't know he'd had ink done.

Death from above

the best thing about wild animals is that sometimes they kill each other on camera.

I'm moving back

It’s official. I’ve got a new Job back in Detroit. I’m staying with GM but I’ll have a new position and new management. This is cool, it’s a great job with a lot more responsibility and exposure. (not more money but can’t have everything.) We’re going to bust ass to get the house ready to sell fast but the market’s pretty slow right now. Fortunately I think the Detroit market is going to get even worse so we can afford to wait. Plus a lot of apartments are offering short term leases so that should give us plenty of time to find a house and fix it up after baby 2 is born. They also have furnished apartments and allow pets. We’ll keep looking but I like the idea that the family can come with me right away.

Every once in a while something awesome happens

After checking the D&M daily updates page, I saw they had Campus Calendar chicks in the studio. Being the faithful listener that I am, I decide to browse the website, ranking girls using the Jizzoel scale as I go. When checking out the UofM girls, I was amazed to see a familiar face. This girl worked for me as an intern when I was in grad school! (Click here to see her on my old lab webpage.) I think it's awesome to see her do a bikini shoot. Most good-looking, smart chicks wouldn't consider doing something so "revealing", but I respect any girl smart enough to show a little skin for money.
I give her my Spoonhouse Seal of Approval.

This is pretty cool

I like it. It doesn't tell my anything I didn't already suspect but it's still pretty cool.

Little Help from Jack and Kyle?

This is pretty interesting and worth the minute it takes to read. I'm not sure if it fits all of the known cannon though. Obviously there's no way to know for sure but it explains some of the odd decisions and statements from "A New Hope." Anyone else want to give an opinion on it's plausibility?

Now I've heard it all

D&M were just discussing Transformers the Movie (the original animated movie!). It's official, I've now heard it all.

Damn, he's got a point

Rambo started out as a sensitive, tortured soul. He didn't want to hurt anybody. He was all torn up from the war, and he ended the movie being held by another man as he cried his eyes out.

More here.

Same old joke

Simon and Jack, and than once again.

Awesomeness

Down with Zelda from the very start.

Loser's Day

Today is a state holiday in Texas known as Confederate Heroes Day. I'm not really sure how this holiday is supposed to differ from Memorial Day. All I can think is that people are still sore in the South about losing what they call the "War of Northern Aggression" (in fact, some think the war is still going on).
I don't really have a problem with commemorating all American dead soldiers and veterans (they were fighting for what they believed in and that's good enough for me), but I think that's what Memorial Day and Veteran's Day are for. Still, the South should feel lucky that they are allowed to celebrate such a holiday at all. What a great country we live in! Don't get me wrong- I'm not really complaining (we do get a lot of weird holidays down here, which is good for me), I just wonder what other countries would think if they were to establish a "Loser's Day".

CD Recommendation

I usually won't tell people to go out and buy a CD that I like, but this one is an exception. It's Dark Side of the Moon - reggae style. It's pretty freaking sweet. Everyone in the office thinks so. Link here, but I was able to find it at Best Buy.

Man vs. Man

This is a list of the top ten one-on-one fight scenes ever. It is very good. The only thing I would change is moving Fei-Hung's last fight in Drunken Master 2 to number one. Then add Obi-Wan vs. Anakin in Episode 3 somewhere in there. Check it out!

Top 10 Fight Scenes

Strange

NONE of these animals look like anything I'd want to eat.

Oh, and these cars are all goofy looking.

Hollywood continues to ride the comic book wave...

Check out the preview for Ghost Rider

Got any good recipes?

Most of these animals look yummy. Except for the ones that look cool and would prbobably make a nice scarf. Like number 19. That would look cool as a scarf.

Seriously, i can understand not wanting to kill all the rino's and elephants. (Fun fact, elephants have been known to rape rino's and destroy entire villages when they get pissed! Seriously.) But why the hell do i care if we loose a specific type of rabbit rat or mole?

Is “I’m Stupid” Written Across my Forehead?

Yesterday I called the tire store to see if they could sell me some new tires after work. They said yes. I told them what I needed (P215/60R15) and when I’d be there. Neither the website nor the guy on the phone said anything about extra fees, I know I asked if the price was inclusive.

I show up and find out
1 Even though I had an appointment it would still be over an hours wait.
The price quoted was not all inclusive there were about 20$ worth of other fees.
2 According to the tire store there is very little nitrogen in the air. So it’s totally work 2$/Tire for them to fill my new ones with Nitrogen and not air.
3 Once the extra’s were included the dealership had a better deal. (the tire guy explained that this was because his tires were better. No, they don’t have any comparable tires. Just the high end ones. The Malibu has 100K Miles on it. Why do I need 90K mile tires? Also a tire that hard will ride and handle like crap.

I told them I’d go elsewhere.

The make suck button

Why are the people that run the county such asshats? Do they really think that this will have any impact on anything?

People from Holly...

I was just listening to D&M and they were talking about people sending penis photos using their cell phones. Well, a lady from Holly calls in and tells a story about a guy she went to high school with had stolen someone's phone in the Rochester subway and was sending photos of his "mini-cooper" to her using the stolen phone.
Only in Holly.

Haha. Best cactus ever.

A small tribute to Schwarzenegger and the timeless joy of the 1980s action movie genre.

Ahh the 1980s. A time when male actors were real men, movies had explosions exploding out of explosions, and the scripts didn’t involve the main characters having polite tea parties in whimsical fields where they would kindly ask the terrorists to go away. Enter an Arnold Schwarzenegger film. You won’t find any patsies running around bumping into each other and flirting with boys. Instead you’ll be rewarded with an hour and a half of explosions, bodies littered about riddled with bullet holes, and general badassery as Arnold single-handedly takes down an entire force of trained men. It’s a one-two punch to the colon as he overthrows his enemies in nonstop and incredibly violent scenarios. One of the main things I like is that the characters he plays are always no-nonsense, angry assholes that refuse to negotiate with the enemy. It’s either his way or the dead way. There isn’t any pussyfooting around and discussing your feelings like a gathering of whiny women at the dinner table. The next thing you’ll notice about the typical Arnold movie is the hyperbole cheesiness factor. There’s enough cheese that I’d go so far as to say Kraft probably has a factory dedicated to him. The kind of cheese you find in his movies is unparalleled by anything else, and that’s what makes it great. For example, in Commando he rips a phone booth out of the ground with the ease of picking up a toddler, and then launches it to the ground with the ease of throwing a toddler. All while the enemy’s still inside. At the end of Commando he manages to wipe out the entire enemy base of operations with mines, assault rifles, and gardening tools, shoot some rockets at jeeps, throw an iron pipe through his backstabbing friend, and save his bratty kid’s life all while barely breaking a sweat. Oh, and you can’t forget about his one-liners, one word replies, and his neck snapping head twitch when he notices something awry (Commando is notorious for this).
Now fast-forward twenty years and look what kind of action movies you get. The so-called “action” movies we have today are bland, tasteless, and formulaic. You can guarantee that today’s action movie will be based around a New York cop with nothing to lose who gets caught up in a crime syndicate who aids in the delivery of illegal arms and/or has multiple run-ins with Asian drug lords. You get the typical car chase, a few pistol shots, and a slap to your judgment. These movies usually star some pansy flower girl like Ethan Hawke who always get shot in the leg just minutes before the bad guy dies in an anti-personnel mine explosion or a car explosion. The credits roll and you leave the theater wondering where your six dollars has gone and why your eyes are permanently chaffed. Not only do today’s action movies have limpwristed actors (Tom Cruise, the Uber bitch) but they have limpwristed scripts as well. Every scene and every line has to be meticulously engineered in a way that won’t upset anybody from any race or religion. Watching these movies is like watching real life, except more annoying because you have to pay to see it and the theater popcorn tastes like shit and they never put enough butter on. Why does everyone have to be so damn sensitive? In addition to today’s anti-climatic action movies, we get stuck having to watch shit fest “feel-good” movies like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Feel good movies don’t make me feel good; they make me feel like running over a child with a forklift. Matthew McConaughey is a pussy and his movies are for the typical menstruating woman who sits on her cat infested couch and gluttons out to a tub of ice cream while crying enough rivers to terraform celestial bodies with water because her boyfriend is being a heartless dick and she wants to break up with him for having a “guy’s night out” when in reality he’s out plotting to punch her in the tits for being a snobby cunt and leaving her with the medical bill. Fuck today’s movies. Action and good times died when Arnold quit making movies, and Hollywood degraded to a perpetual suck fest. All hail Arnold! Let Commando and Terminator live on forever.

Best Commercial Ever

here

Public Service Announcement

T. vaginalis is a the most common sexually transmitted disease in the world and infects 170 million people every year. According to this article, it is "...common in the human gut, migrates to the genital region and flourishes." Don't be a victim of T. vaginalis!
Here are some ways to protect yourself:
1. Since it originates in the gut, refrain from deep throating followed immediately by vaginal penetration. Should your bury your shaft to the balls in your partner's esophagus, you might cause T. vaginalis to hitch a ride your man-tube causing it to jump ship when you insert it into the folds of her love canal.
2. DO NOT go directly from anus to vagina. You may, however, go from vagina to anus, but once you put it in the anus it must stay there until completion.
3. Avoid conducting oral sex on your female partner. T. vaginalis lives and thrives only on the vaginal walls. Therefore, you must insist your partner conduct oral sex only on you with no reciprocation- just to be on the safe side.
4. T. vaginalis "...causes some women to have a frothy, odoriferous discharge." If you suspect your female is carrying T. vaginalis, begin with an iodine bath followed by penicillin followed by a trip to the OB. Or better yet, dump her ass. There are roughly three billion women in the world, disqualifying 170 million each year due to a skanky poonch isn't going to reduce your chances too much.

Most importantly, be safe. T. vaginalis is nothing to laugh about. Educate yourself and your friends on how to prevent the spread of this heinous disease. They'll thank you for it!

Time to wet your "Beef Whistle"

After Jack's hilarious "Beef Whistle" comment in the Beauty and the Geek post, I had to take a closer look at his top two chicks (which he claimed were 7's). Here is his first choice (JennyLee at top right) Admittedly, she is hot. She has a porn star quality that is quite appealing. The "vampire" chick (aka "Beef Whistler" at left), definitely looks like she'd F your brains out. HOWEVER, I'm sure I'm not the only one that is mortified by overly fair-skinned girls (ahem, need I say more?). Still, she doesn't have red hair, so a little exposure to some cancer-causing UVB would do her some good. That being said, I still think Nadia (bottom right) is the hottest (this is really true if you watch the show). Plus, she's not as big of a bimbo as the rest (Although her profile says she's 26 and a "Sorority Girl", so I'm not sure what that means).
Finally, am I the only person that thought some of the guys on this show bear a striking resemblance to a few members of a fraternal order we know?

Yet More

Another analysis of the Star wars universe here. Long story short: The empire is imperfect but not terrible, the rebellion and jedi were worse. It ignores any information not shown in the actual film.

Sorry

This person is even worse at saying "I'm sorry" than I am.

Yet another Star Wars fan film

This one (overall) isn't too bad. HOWEVER, why is Lord Rythe(sp?) wearing a freaking paintball mask? And what's with the apprentice's wrap-around, blueblocker sunglasses? This movie also proves how much motion is wasted when you fight with double-ended lightsabers.
But who am I to judge? My short films ("Banana Peels" and "The Conspiracy") aren't going to win any Oscars.

The Adventures of Chicken Noodle Soup and no Coordination.

At lunch today I decided to make some chicken noodle soup because it's good and good for you. What I didn't realize is that my stupid hands would cause an accident of unimaginable proportions. I was walking to the dining room table to set the bowl down, and just as I was going for bowl-table interaction I dropped it and spilled the shit everywhere. The broth was so gross looking as it flowed wildly down the side of the table cloth and mixed in with all the weird dirt particles on the floor.










Then to make matters more annoying, Simon had to see the whole thing go down. And after that the usual Simon trademark of letting his two cents go flying all over the place was in full force.







I thought about leaving that rogue mess on the floor for mom to deal with. That would have been a nice present to come home to, but my small amount of judgment got the better of me. And of course there weren't any fucking paper towels to clean that Hellish nightmare up, so I had to sweep up the noodles with a broom and use a bathroom terry cloth to clean up the funky dirt-broth mixture. Today had to be the most annoying lunch in the history of the universe.

Beauty and the Geek

Since 'Heroes' and 'Lost' have been taking a break, my television viewing has degraded to the likes of 'Mythbusters' and 'Sweet 16' (and similar drivel). Last night I stumbled upon a gem though. It's called 'Beauty and the Geek' and it's on the CW (which I think used to be called the WB). Anyway, this show (even though it's technically a reality show) was terribly entertaining. Here's the premise in a nutshell: Pair up the geekiest virgin guys you can find with the hottest airheaded bimbo chicks, place them in a mansion. Then, poke fun at how superficial the chicks are and how little the guys know about women. I highly recommend this show. Click here to read the cast bios which are nothing short of classic. My favorite is Mario's list of Interests:
"Video games and comic books. I wouldn't call them hobbies though, I would call them obsessions. My goal is to be a published writer, specifically a comic book writer. I have a tattoo of a Nintendo control on my arm."

Did I mention the show has incredibly hot chicks?

Furries

Simon’s claimed that he’s a furry. I don’t believe him. While I’m perfectly aware that Simon has issues, this isn’t him. I'll bet 50$ Simon's never even met a furry. Why am I so confident? Because he's not in jail.

GEEKS!

This morning over coffee I found the Geek Hierarchy, the Geek Hierarchy 2.0, and an associated FAQ. I took a copy of the larger chart (2.0) and placed the members of the spoonhouse on there to the best of my knowledge. Using it I declare that Simon is the least Geeky and Jack and NDAMMIT are the most geeky. I'm the most diversified geek.


UPDATE: I forgot Cohort Mandibles. I’m sincerely sorry about that and hope no one perceives it as an attack. It was never my intention to deny him personhood or try to exclude him from the online community that we’ve created. We all love him for who and what he is; one of god’s very special creations.

From the makers of "Bait Car"...

comes the ALPR (Automatic License Plate Recognition) system. They're using this system in British Columbia, so I guess it's just a matter of time before it makes its way to the U.S. Check out the video. I can only imagine how many Canadian taxpayer dollars are spent on one of these units. I bet they cost a lot of "loonies"!
Seems like all this new technology (baitcars, cameras at intersections, etc) either means cops are getting smarter or they're getting lazier. I haven't figured out which.

Cohort's "To-Do" List

1. Take your friend to the bar and leave him or her there at the end of the night. Twice.

2. Put a pint of chocolate milk in someone's locker and Masterlock it shut.

3. Dump a gallon of McDonald's fry grease over someone's truck windows.

4. Go to a sand pit to fornicate with a girl and laugh at her when she falls in a hole and breaks her ankle.

5. Duct tape a flannel shirt to your dog and roll it down a hill in a garbage can.

6. Hit a girl in the stomach with an air hockey puck on your first date. Just to see what will happen.

7. Cuss out an old lady who's trying to wipe the snow off your car windows.

8. Put a live hornet's nest in a garbage bag and leave the bag in someone's truck as a "present".

9. Make ice cubes out of toilet water, then offer to make your guests an ice cold drink.

10. Telling a handicapped person they're useless and that malls shouldn't have wheelchair ramps.


P.S.
I forgot to add one to the list.
11. Shut the lights off in a crowded public bathroom when you exit, then wait intently for the ensuing panic and confusion.
I did that one to Jack at Kickers and he got pissed. Too bad there weren't more people in the bathroom at the time.

I...I don't even know what to say!

Lets hope Michael Bay has made the Transformers Movie well enough to overlook this RIDICULOUS looking "Megatron." If not...remind me to kick him in the nuts next time I see him.

Post on a Religion, Politics, and History

But since Thomas Jefferson is one of my favorite historical figure I loved reading it.

Fantastic Four 2

Check out the teaser trailer for next summer's "Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer". Looks like they did a really good job on the surfer. Hopefully, there will be a decent plot and acting to back up the top-notch special effects.

Triangle Man hates Particle Man.

The Ultimate D&D Character.

How sweet would it be to have a Necromancing Paladin with a Lawful Good-Chaotic Evil alignment? What would you do with a character like that? If it were up to me I would roast to the nearest graveyard, then call up the undead just to cut them down with a holy light blast or a righteous plunge through the forehead with the broadsword of justice. +1 irony. Fuck yes.

I’m dumber now.

Yester day I watched a couple of episodes of “Exposed on MTV” (don’t ask) the premise is simple: Two people compete for the affection of one other person. The twist is that everything they say is analyzed by ‘lie detection’ software. The disclaimer at the end of the show tells you that they’re using a voice stress analyzer ‘for entertainment purposes’ and that the results aren’t accurate. They show two contests per half our and I got to see 5 total. I noticed a few things.

-I would have much rather seen an hour long show on the ins and outs of a voice stress analyzer than watched this MTV dating show. (again, don’t ask)
-The girls didn’t seem to care if the guy was a liar or not. It was pretty obvious who they’d pick from the start. One guy lied about /everything/ and was picked anyway. There was more uncertainty about the guys choice.
-At one point both of the girls lied when they told the guy they liked him. He knew this. The girls still skanked out to try to win. They really seemed to hate each other.
-At another point the guy picked a girl who’d lied when she said he was her type over a girl that said she liked him. He explained that he picked her because she had big boobs and he thought she’d have sex with him.
-The guys always picked the girl they though would put out. These girls also had bigger (and fake breasts)
-Best lie was when one of the girls admitted that she had no idea how many partners she’d had. She than lied when she said she was sure it was less than 10.
-The people on these shows strike me as stupid and annoying.
It was pretty easy to tell when people were lying without the ‘lie detector.’

Do you think I might be over analyzing these things?

Butt wiping scenarios.

This is slightly disturbing but at the same time quite perplexing, and even a bit intriguing. To the right person. Anyway I bring up the question of butt wiping scenarios. Most of us take butt wiping for granted right? There always seems to be a roll of papery goodness to convenience your brown eye cleansing. But what if one day the toilet paper was nowhere to be found? Bring on the restaurants. So what if this scenario was thrust into your arms? You're having a nice family dining experience, the waitress is very cordial and comes complete with a busty chest for your viewing pleasure, the food is great, and there is even a sufficient supply of after dinner mints so you don't have to asphyxiate your girlfriend with nasty reuben sandwich breath. Then all of the sudden the gravy and sauerkraut kick in like a turdy battering ram to the colon. You floor it to the bathroom and drop trow in the stall, only to realize that while your fecal matters are in the middle of playing ass hookey, the t.p. has long since been refilled. Oops, too late to stop now. So what the hell are you supposed to do? You only have so many options at your disposal in a public bathroom, whereas at home you have plenty, like using the dog's back or your mom's nightgown, just to name a couple. After thinking about it I came to the conclusion that there are only three logical solutions. Option 1) using your socks. I know, the last thing you want to do is get athlete's foot up your butt. But at least they're disposable and no one will notice if they're missing, especially if you're wearing pants. Option 2) washing your crack out in the sink. Make sure the water pressure isn't too high because you don't want butt feculence particles ricocheting about. Option 3) drying your ass out on the hand dryer then scraping off the remains. This one could prove to be the most difficult and should only be attempted by trained professionals, as positioning your rear end up to the dryer is a relatively awkward trick to attempt. It could also be very embarassing if your girlfriend's dad walked in while you're bent over drying your ass. Suicide would be the only way out. Well that about concludes butt wiping scenarios. Maybe this will make you think twice about going out into public without taking a few rolls of toilet paper. And Who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky and find some sucker in the bathroom in which you can use your t.p. for bartering material, such as getting the victim's wallet or car keys. I know I'll be carrying some Charmin with me on my next trip.

Another way to know she's mine

My wife took the Kid to Target yesterday. The Kid sat in the cart with all the stuff and (I’m told) was mostly happy during the shopping trip. My wife had her back turned to the cart when a woman came up and said “excuse me but your daughter is eating butter.” Apparently she’s now able to open the box, pull out a stick of butter, peel back the wrapper and eat butter like a banana. I’m so proud.


Update: I changed the post title (with pride) after reading cohort's comment.

Dream world.

I had a dream the other night that I was banging this really hot chick in the Freeman's parking lot. It was awesome because I had approximately 17" of linear lumber to use at my discretion, and the chick was some moron I went to highschool with so I made sure to pound her extra hard so it would hurt. All was going well until Simon had to call my cell phone and wake me up. D'oh. I wish dreams had save spots like videogames.

Science

Science is fun. Which is why I'm a scientist. Here's a bunch of nifty videos.

Parrot Up His Ass

Another look at the CSM type from JMS:


J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of Babylon 5, who made a truly impressive (and successful) From August 8, 1996:
The good thing about the nets is that it's the great social equalizer.The bad thing about the nets is that it's the great social equalizer.Anyone with a modem has equal access, equal say. Which is terrific. Wecan be tall, short, fat, skinny, old, young...what matters is the qualityof the thoughts and the clarity of their expression.

The flip side of this...if someone came toward you with a bright orangefright wig, dead cats strapped to his chest and a live parrot up his ass,you'd have sufficient warning that this may be a Loony, and thus avoid theperson. On the nets, you don't get that kind of advance warning. Thereare some loonies here. They get the same access as everyone else, theycan get on because they bought a modem, but they live for the singularpurpose of making your life a living hell, because you have createdsomething, they have created nothing, and they can only live with thatcontradiction if they tear you down. Some of them are literallypsychologically disturbed, and potentially dangerous. And you won't haveany notion who they are until one day, after exchanging private or publicmail, the dog satellite goes by overhead and they turn on you viciously,start spreading rumors, attacking you in public...and you realize thatyep, this person has a parrot up his ass.

Good Read.

I like John Scalzi. He writes some good fiction and a pretty decent blog. He’s made a new category of internet commenter “crazy screechy poo-flinging monkeys”. He further suggests that you not poke them with a stick.