Friday, January 05, 2007

Butt wiping scenarios.

This is slightly disturbing but at the same time quite perplexing, and even a bit intriguing. To the right person. Anyway I bring up the question of butt wiping scenarios. Most of us take butt wiping for granted right? There always seems to be a roll of papery goodness to convenience your brown eye cleansing. But what if one day the toilet paper was nowhere to be found? Bring on the restaurants. So what if this scenario was thrust into your arms? You're having a nice family dining experience, the waitress is very cordial and comes complete with a busty chest for your viewing pleasure, the food is great, and there is even a sufficient supply of after dinner mints so you don't have to asphyxiate your girlfriend with nasty reuben sandwich breath. Then all of the sudden the gravy and sauerkraut kick in like a turdy battering ram to the colon. You floor it to the bathroom and drop trow in the stall, only to realize that while your fecal matters are in the middle of playing ass hookey, the t.p. has long since been refilled. Oops, too late to stop now. So what the hell are you supposed to do? You only have so many options at your disposal in a public bathroom, whereas at home you have plenty, like using the dog's back or your mom's nightgown, just to name a couple. After thinking about it I came to the conclusion that there are only three logical solutions. Option 1) using your socks. I know, the last thing you want to do is get athlete's foot up your butt. But at least they're disposable and no one will notice if they're missing, especially if you're wearing pants. Option 2) washing your crack out in the sink. Make sure the water pressure isn't too high because you don't want butt feculence particles ricocheting about. Option 3) drying your ass out on the hand dryer then scraping off the remains. This one could prove to be the most difficult and should only be attempted by trained professionals, as positioning your rear end up to the dryer is a relatively awkward trick to attempt. It could also be very embarassing if your girlfriend's dad walked in while you're bent over drying your ass. Suicide would be the only way out. Well that about concludes butt wiping scenarios. Maybe this will make you think twice about going out into public without taking a few rolls of toilet paper. And Who knows? Maybe you'll get lucky and find some sucker in the bathroom in which you can use your t.p. for bartering material, such as getting the victim's wallet or car keys. I know I'll be carrying some Charmin with me on my next trip.

8 Comments:

Blogger Simon Hawk said...

ROFLMAO! I couldn't even get past the title without cracking a smile.

5/1/07 09:09  
Blogger Jim Brannick said...

how about Option 4:
Wait until someone comes into the bathroom and plead your case thru the gap in the stall door. I realize that asking for help (especially whilst pinching a loaf) can be a huge hit to the ego, but considering options 1-3, I'd at least try 4. Plus, while your waiting Cohort, you can write all sorts of racial epithets on the walls!

6/1/07 06:46  
Blogger Garble said...

Option 5
Check to make sure there's paper before you start to poop.

8/1/07 03:42  
Blogger Cohort Mandibles said...

What if you can't hold it? What if you're already prairie dogging it to the bathroom?

8/1/07 05:06  
Blogger Jack T Briggs said...

If you have to go THAT bad why didn't you go before you went to the restaurant?

8/1/07 05:44  
Blogger Cohort Mandibles said...

Oh my fucking Christ. You guys are so damn literal. It's not like this scenario will really happen. It was just supposed to be something to read to keep content on the blog. And you can't tell me you've never gone to a restaurant and a shit creep up on you before.

8/1/07 06:24  
Blogger Garble said...

I think the important part is that this was freaking funny. Good job. It does remind me of that old saying
"An oz of prevention prevents a sock covered in your own feces."

But I may be getting part of it wrong.

8/1/07 07:21  
Blogger neilium said...

I think I may have lived through the most creative butt wiping scenario yet. While in the Tetons, I had some apparentlly fiber rich oatmeal for breakfast and about two hours into the climb I was starting to have problems. I went behind a rock next to a glacier and realized there was no shrubbery or anything close for about a mile. So I chipped off some ice to get ride of the nasty bit then search for something soft and disposible in my pack for the rest of the clean up. The winning item was dried apricots. Worked really well, I actually managed to avoid having swamp ass for the rest of the day.

11/1/07 20:25  

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