Garble wrong more often than previously thought

New research finds Spoonhouse Administrator spreads misinformation nearly 63% of the time

April 24, 2006

BY BUSTER HYMEN
Spoonhouse Field Reporter

The rate at which the intrepid Spoonhouse leader Garble spreads misinformation may be "much higher than previously thought", according to a recent research article published in the Journal of Applied Probability. The article, written by Cornell University Professor of Statistics Dr. Eugene Durham, shows definitive evidence that Garble’s propensity to spread false information is higher than the commonly assumed figure of 50%. "My research clearly shows that Garble gets things wrong much more than half the time. Initial data show his misinformation rate at 62.5%", said Dr. Durham.

So why this sudden increase in Garble fucking things up? According to Dr. Durham, "This isn’t something new… it’s just something that everyone has overlooked in the past." When asked to elaborate, Dr. Durham explained how it was general knowledge that Garble, when presenting factual information, got things wrong approximately 50% of the time. "Everyone knows he gets things wrong half the time. The problem is that we all were assuming that his original source of information was 100% correct. What we were forgetting was the fact that while gathering that information he was likely to get things mixed up." When I asked Dr. Durham how he came up with a rate of 62.5%, he said, "I simply estimated how often Garble would fuck up while gathering information. For this study, I chose a conservative 25%. So essentially, he’s only operating with 75% correct information to start with. Then, while trying to disseminate that information to the masses, he only gets half of it right. So, dividing 75% by 2, we get a correct information rate of 37.5%... and a misinformation rate of 62.5%!"

This line of statistical research has spawned an entirely new line of abbreviations in an already acronym laden field. Such words as ROFU (Rate of Fuck Up) and PROMIS (Probability of Misinformation) are now heard during casual conversation in the Statistics Department at Cornell. When asked about the use of the conservative 25% IROFU (Initial Rate of Fuck Up), Dr. Durham replied, "That’s just an estimate. It’s likely to be much higher."

So what does this new information mean for all the contributors and readers of the Spoonhouse? When asked about the possibility of Garble being wrong nearly 63% of the time, long-time co-contributor Simon Hawk responded, "He’s such a dumbass. I don’t believe a word he says. God, I hate everyone." Jack Briggs, recent addition to the Spoonhouse, had this to add, "63% ROFU!? Is that all? I pegged him for at least 75%. And get ready for a 500 word essay response to this article!" Former Spoonhouse contributor, Lunchbox, chimed in, "You’ve got to take everything he says with a grain of salt. Mmmmm… salt."

Finally, when asked to comment on Garble’s recent diatribes on the economy, Stanford University Professor of Economics Dr. Xiaon Hwang had this to say, "Taking advice from him is bad, bad idea. Just cause he take one crass on finances, not make him expert. You not take medical advice from undergraduate pre-med, why you listen to Garble talk about economics?" Dr. Xiaon continued with sentiments held by most Spoonhouse readers.

"He not know ass from hole in ground."