The Lost Rants

Recently, archaeologists in Italy unearthed what appear to be the writings of an ancient Roman philosophy student named Cohortus Mandiblus. Modern experts consider these written accounts to be as significant as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Curators at the Vatican have begun translating the metaphor-filled manuscripts, but the task has been difficult since the verbage Mandiblus uses has few direct translations.
Here is a sample of one of The Lost Rants:

"Fucking carrot tops.
So I’m sitting in class the other day and I’m thinking about how I’d like to drive a rusty ice pick thru the tympanic membrane of the kid sitting in front of me. His incessant blather and hopeless attempts at bantering with the professor make him a prime candidate for death by fireball, should I ever develop pyrokinetic abilities. But his constant asking of questions is only the tip of the iceberg. What really drives me insane is the fact that he has a giant, firey orange mop of curly hair. Seriously, this kid looks like a younger version of Sideshow Bob- only more annoying.
Why is it that people with curly hair feel the need to grow it out? Do they not realize how fucking atrocious it looks? I think those fucking douche sniffers know exactly how irritating they look, they’re just "pushing" their hair on the rest of us in a vain attempt to get attention. I don’t care if you’re some loser red-headed stepchild who never got any attention after you fell out of the cavernous void that was your mom’s cottage-cheese infested vaginal cavity. Keep you curly hair short and out of my face, you whiney, good for nothing liberal fuck! I’m so pissed right now that I wish the rental was still open so that I could rent a sod-cutter, then pin that waste of sperm underneath it and proceed to scalp his head like a Cherokee on the warpath."

As you can clearly see, the translation still needs some work.