Beer + Car = D'oh.

Yes, well all know that a drunk driving ticket is no fun at all. Every time someone mentions the ugly acronym “DUI”, people get paranoid and upset, and they seem to link DUI with bad person. Well let me shed a little light on the DUI, as you all know it’s a ghastly thing, but I’ll let you in on some things you might never have heard of. On April 4th of this year, I received an OWI (Operating While Intoxicated) which is the same as a DUI, why the name change I’ll never know. Anyway, I only blew a .08, which is right on the fucking line, and I still got anal tapped without lube. The judge is letting me off EASY, and if I jump through hoops like an enslaved rat, then they’ll drop it off of my record. And for the record, my attorney told me I’m a lucky son-of-a-bitch, as almost NO ONE gets out of an OWI/DUI in Oakland County. So now that the back story is out of the way, I’m sure you’re all just itching to know what kind of trouble I’ve been in. First off, my fine was $1,450, which is required to be paid in full on the day of sentencing or you go to jail. Good thing I had that nest egg lying around. I’ve also been admitted to a program called J.A.M.S. (Jail Alternatives for Michigan Services), which is a random alcohol/drug testing center. I don’t know exactly how many of these places there are, but it appears to be somewhere around the order of 20 spread out from Grand Blanc down to Detroit. I have to test for alcohol once a week and for drugs once a month. I started going to J.A.M.S. on April 10th, and I won’t be done until January 4th. It costs $6 to take the alcohol test, and $12 to take the drug test. And yes, they have some dude stand and watch you piss in a cup, and I’m sure he loves every minute that he gets to see a stranger’s wang. This past weekend (10/26-10/28) I had to attend a weekend long camp called A.R.M. (Accepting Responsibility is Mandatory). At this fun little weekend retreat we get to learn all about how alcohol and drugs affect the body, how alcoholism is a disease, and how we’re going to Hell for drinking and driving. We get to participate in “team building” activities in the woods with all the other members of camp, and had many hours upon hours of lectures. At the end of camp we had to write a one page essay on what we learned and how we will use this information to help in our daily lives, and this essay will be sent to our probation officers for review. Oh, I failed to mention, you have to be dropped off to and picked up from this camp. At the end of camp everyone who attended had to give a speech about what they learned, in front of EVERYONE’S parents/guardians/bitches/whatever. Now, some of these crazy fucks at camp are repeat drunk driving offenders. One such person was only 23 years old, has paid up to $12,000 in fines so far, is on probation for 7.5 years, has to attend AA meetings every day for 90 days, had to go to the A.R.M. camp twice, is testing daily at J.A.M.S., and has no driver’s license. Speaking of licenses, another reason why I was let off easy is because I didn’t get a license sanction. Most first time offenders will get anywhere from a 3 month to 6 month license sanction depending on their master driving record. Let’s see, what other kinds of horse shit do I have to do. Oh yeah, I have to meet with my probation officer once a month for the next 12 months, and that’s $50 a visit. I have to attend a MADD meeting this coming Thursday and that’s another $30, and I have to complete 80 hours of community service. All this for a first time offense, and blowing on the line at .08. I estimate that I will be spending around $2,500 by the time this is all said and done. Just for shits and giggles, I’ll tell you about the UBAL (Unlawful Blood Alcohol Level). Michigan is one of the only states that have this, but basically you’re only allowed a certain amount of alcohol in your body, even if you’re on private property. A person’s maximum BAC has to be lower than .15 to be considered legal. For example, you’re throwing a wild party at your house, people are getting rowdy, chicks are getting nude, and someone’s throwing up all over your couch. If someone in the neighborhood complains enough the cops can come over and administer breathalyzer tests. The cops can write you a ticket if you blow over a .15, even if you’re 21, and guess what? You’re now an alcoholic. If this happens in Oakland County you’ll probably be sentenced to A.R.M. or at least J.A.M.S. I’m writing this to let all you fuckers know exactly what can happen, so drink at your own risk, and if you get busted don’t say I didn’t warn you. This shit is not fun.