Monday, October 29, 2007

Beer + Car = D'oh.

Yes, well all know that a drunk driving ticket is no fun at all. Every time someone mentions the ugly acronym “DUI”, people get paranoid and upset, and they seem to link DUI with bad person. Well let me shed a little light on the DUI, as you all know it’s a ghastly thing, but I’ll let you in on some things you might never have heard of. On April 4th of this year, I received an OWI (Operating While Intoxicated) which is the same as a DUI, why the name change I’ll never know. Anyway, I only blew a .08, which is right on the fucking line, and I still got anal tapped without lube. The judge is letting me off EASY, and if I jump through hoops like an enslaved rat, then they’ll drop it off of my record. And for the record, my attorney told me I’m a lucky son-of-a-bitch, as almost NO ONE gets out of an OWI/DUI in Oakland County. So now that the back story is out of the way, I’m sure you’re all just itching to know what kind of trouble I’ve been in. First off, my fine was $1,450, which is required to be paid in full on the day of sentencing or you go to jail. Good thing I had that nest egg lying around. I’ve also been admitted to a program called J.A.M.S. (Jail Alternatives for Michigan Services), which is a random alcohol/drug testing center. I don’t know exactly how many of these places there are, but it appears to be somewhere around the order of 20 spread out from Grand Blanc down to Detroit. I have to test for alcohol once a week and for drugs once a month. I started going to J.A.M.S. on April 10th, and I won’t be done until January 4th. It costs $6 to take the alcohol test, and $12 to take the drug test. And yes, they have some dude stand and watch you piss in a cup, and I’m sure he loves every minute that he gets to see a stranger’s wang. This past weekend (10/26-10/28) I had to attend a weekend long camp called A.R.M. (Accepting Responsibility is Mandatory). At this fun little weekend retreat we get to learn all about how alcohol and drugs affect the body, how alcoholism is a disease, and how we’re going to Hell for drinking and driving. We get to participate in “team building” activities in the woods with all the other members of camp, and had many hours upon hours of lectures. At the end of camp we had to write a one page essay on what we learned and how we will use this information to help in our daily lives, and this essay will be sent to our probation officers for review. Oh, I failed to mention, you have to be dropped off to and picked up from this camp. At the end of camp everyone who attended had to give a speech about what they learned, in front of EVERYONE’S parents/guardians/bitches/whatever. Now, some of these crazy fucks at camp are repeat drunk driving offenders. One such person was only 23 years old, has paid up to $12,000 in fines so far, is on probation for 7.5 years, has to attend AA meetings every day for 90 days, had to go to the A.R.M. camp twice, is testing daily at J.A.M.S., and has no driver’s license. Speaking of licenses, another reason why I was let off easy is because I didn’t get a license sanction. Most first time offenders will get anywhere from a 3 month to 6 month license sanction depending on their master driving record. Let’s see, what other kinds of horse shit do I have to do. Oh yeah, I have to meet with my probation officer once a month for the next 12 months, and that’s $50 a visit. I have to attend a MADD meeting this coming Thursday and that’s another $30, and I have to complete 80 hours of community service. All this for a first time offense, and blowing on the line at .08. I estimate that I will be spending around $2,500 by the time this is all said and done. Just for shits and giggles, I’ll tell you about the UBAL (Unlawful Blood Alcohol Level). Michigan is one of the only states that have this, but basically you’re only allowed a certain amount of alcohol in your body, even if you’re on private property. A person’s maximum BAC has to be lower than .15 to be considered legal. For example, you’re throwing a wild party at your house, people are getting rowdy, chicks are getting nude, and someone’s throwing up all over your couch. If someone in the neighborhood complains enough the cops can come over and administer breathalyzer tests. The cops can write you a ticket if you blow over a .15, even if you’re 21, and guess what? You’re now an alcoholic. If this happens in Oakland County you’ll probably be sentenced to A.R.M. or at least J.A.M.S. I’m writing this to let all you fuckers know exactly what can happen, so drink at your own risk, and if you get busted don’t say I didn’t warn you. This shit is not fun.

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Blogger Jim Brannick said...

Drunk Boy... I had no idea you got pinched. Sounds like you got off EASY though.
A friend of mine in college got picked up by the state cops in Cadillac during one of our "formals". Turns out he was driving his date out to a secluded spot when he got pulled over. That's how quick your life can go to shit- one minute your buzzing and looking forward to a drunken BJ, the next you're doing a roadside sobriety test and you're sick to your stomach (but not from the alcohol... more from nerves and anxiety).
I consider myself lucky though, since I (and pretty much everyone else on this blog) has done some pretty STUPID things in our younger days, but luckily did not get in trouble.
Sorry Cohort- time for you to hole up and Dren whilst you detox.

29/10/07 09:48  
Blogger Cohort Mandibles said...

Once I get off progaytion I'm just going to sit at home and dren with a rum & Coke (trying not to spill in on my drenputer of course.) I also have the Taxi programmed in my phone for emergency bar escapes.

29/10/07 10:19  
Blogger NDammitt said...

Sorry dude, sometimes life sucks. I thought that you had to be over .08bac? Did you go with the court appointed attorney, or did you opt for a real one that you have to pay for out of pocket? It seems to me that any lawyer worth his diploma could have gotten you out of that one .

29/10/07 12:36  
Blogger Simon Hawk said...

The law states AT .08 and above.

So technically speaking .07 is the real limit.

29/10/07 12:51  
Blogger Cohort Mandibles said...

I had a court appointed attorney. Also, you're not safe with a .07. If you blow a .07 the cops can hold you at the police station. Then they'll keep administering breathalyzers, and if you're BAC goes up to a .08 you're arrested for drunk driving. So the REAL, real limit is .06.

30/10/07 05:12  
Blogger NDammitt said...

If you think that you might be borderline you can always refuse the breathalyser or blood test at the station and wait for the court order. In Michigan you have the right to have the drawn sample analyzed by another party not the police, but it's your responsibility to find a lab and pay for it. Also, the person drawing/analyzing the sample must be/be operating under the supervision of a physician. You have no legal requirement to submit to the field sobriety tests, ie. there are no legal repercussions for refusal, but always be polite when talking to the police.
The breathalyser is NOT an analytical tool, With many devices, the translation from breath alcohol content to blood alcohol content relies on assuming a specific ratio (2100:1) between BAC and breath alcohol content. However, the actual ratio for a particular individual may vary between 1700:1 and 2400:1. That means, roughly, that a breathalyzer based reading of .08 could actually mean blood alcohol content of between .065 and .09. That’s a particularly significant difference in that operating with a BAC of .08 or greater is in and of itself a crime, whereas with a BAC of .065, a showing of impairment would be required. In short, in most states a driver who passes field sobriety tests but has a BAC of .08 is still guilty—the same driver with a slightly lower BAC is probably not.

Some breath test machines identify not only ethyl alcohol, but also any other methyl group compound. That means that many other substances that may be detected in human breath may be misread as alcohol content. Some of the clearest problem areas:

Some machines are confused by the presence of acetone, which may be present in unusually large quantities in diabetics and others who may be maintaining special diets.
Certain paints, adhesives, and plastic have been demonstrated to give off fumes that generate false positive breath test results, though true BAC tested simultaneously remained at zero.

Like i said, any lawyer worth the paper his diploma is printed on...

30/10/07 11:46  
Blogger Cohort Mandibles said...

Actually, if you refuse a breathalyzer it's an automatic four points on your driving record. I agree on questioning the accuracy of these machines, which is why they should just have blood testing. Or screw the whole thing altogether and let everyone get fucked up.

30/10/07 11:50  
Blogger Matt McMinn said...

In arizona, the officer can force you to take a blood test, and can administer it themselves, which is not that comforting of a thought. I don't exactly like the idea of some random cop, who probably doesn't have a lot of medical training, sticking a needle in my arm at the side of a highway. Which is only one of many reasons to say "fuck arizona".

30/10/07 12:13  

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