Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Philosophy Blows.



I have a massive distaste for philosophers. What is a philosopher you ask? Here’s a definition of philosopher I found in a Harvard-credentialed dictionary that I acquired from a nearby urinal:
phi·los·o·pher
–noun

1. A crusty old guy wearing a toga sitting around thinking. Notable irrelevance to anything bound by the constraints of reality.

Why is that annoying? Well, these so-called über geniuses that pre-dated us didn’t do anything except sit around in a room filled with dusty scrolls quibbling over stupid theories that could never be solved by the meek offerings of a human brain. Wow, that’s humbling. I feel like such a waste of bioorganic mass. I too wish that someday my brain would develop the intellectual prowess to think about erroneous ideas. Philosophers believe they’re somehow above it all, a cock of the walk if you will, but their bullshit magnets still manage to pull everyone in. If everyone else thinks it, then the bottom line must be that philosophers are always right. Why? Being a philosopher allows you the shield of ambiguity because their thoughts are comprised of unclear, indefinite, or equivocal meanings. It doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, there’s still a chance I could be right. This could look like this, or be like this… maybe. That’s a philosopher’s viewpoint in a nutshell. To me, it’s all an exponential façade. And yet, all these people are somehow famous, and their own ideas and opinions are the foundations of which every society since then has been laid. The reason that pisses me off is the simple fact that those lazy assholes are now well known by most anyone on the planet. Well, it looks like the only way to get famous and transcend time for future generations to enjoy is to invent some retarded theory and promote it to the hills. Maybe I’ll be taught in classes, or in textbooks, or in the Kama Sutra. So I decided to sit down with my brother and “philosophize” about weird shit. That’s when we came up with the co-function time rationale. In other words, there is no time. Holy shit! I’m a fucking philosopher now! Anyone want to hear about this wacky up and coming new theorem? The formula starts like such:

5 + X = time.
Now, we need to turn this into a quadratic equation so it can be solved properly. First subtract time.

Now rearrange the equation and you get:

X + 5 – time = 0

Since X is a variable and be anything, we’ll square it to make it quadratic:

Now solve it:












Now it’s time to root 10.5(time). Remember how there are imaginary numbers? Well now it’s time to use the Cohortus Mandiblus theory of imaginary math. This technique requires using imaginary abilities to solve an equation in any way you choose.
What we have to do is multiply the root of 10.5(time) by eleventeen and thirtytwelve. This leaves you with X = -5(time)ùôµÅ. The gibberish at the end of the equation represents a miniature quantum-space fold created from the use of imaginary math. To cancel terms and quantum-space you need to multiply both sides by zero. Remember, time itself isn’t a number, so that’s excluded from this step. What’s left is 0 = time. Problem solved. Because zero is nothing and it’s now equal to time with both sides of the equation reduced as far as they go, we can conclude that time does not exist. Now I’m a professional philosopher. I hope my teachings reach the ends of civilization for years to come.

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